Monday, April 24, 2006

As i was taking a shower this morning I had the show"Starting Over" in the background and One of the women was asked to draw a picture of her biggest fear. I made me think what mine would be. I think I have two one of being alone and the other that I am a failure.
It makes me think about where these fears come from and I think they come from my childhood. Before I say this I want anyone to read this to know that I don't use the past as an excuse for the present problems I have in life. I am a firm believer that if you want change in life you have to make it and if you want happiness in life you have to make that too.
As a child I seemed to always feel inadequate and not worthy partly because I was told that by my dad and other relatives.I also was a victim of abuse by two male family members. I remember that often I would go hide in the closet with books of course and a flashlight for hours because I felt safe there. I think I still long for that safe place in my adult life. My dad and that relative are both gone now and I know that my dad who was a victim of abuse himself meant no harm and was not able to stop the cycle of abuse.
I think that now that is why I have very little self confidence and I sturggle with this everyday. I think that it is the elephant in my life as Michelle Struggles with.I stuggle with depression and I think its roots are there in my past as are my weight problems. I know that even though they aren't my fault I am the only one that can change these patterns and move forward with my life.Only I hold the key to that and that is a fearful thought sometime.I want the life I imagined I would have and I know that this is going to require hard work on my part.
I know that if I live to a ripe old age I want to know that I lived my life fully.
I promise all posts want be this deep . Just my thoughts for the day .

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