Thursday, June 01, 2006


Tuff Canyon Purple Cactus
Originally uploaded by Tycho Moon.

First I want to give credit to Tycho Moon for this photo from flickr. I wanted a photo to illustrate how I was feeling today and didn't have a cactus photo on hand.
Why am I feeling prickly?First I need to give you some background info so you can understand why I feel this way.
I didn't get married till I was 36. It took me all those years to find my husband. I had relationships in those years but never tried to have a baby because I felt that a child shouldn't be concieved for selfish reasons on my part without a father. Not to mention that at the time I attended a church regularly which frowned on this behavior.

After meeting my husband and for the five years we have been married I have tried to have a baby without success. Our insurance doesn't pay for fertility treatments and we don't have the financial means to do it own our on.So on Dec 18 of last year I found out I was pregnant I was so happy as all I ever dreamed of growin g up was to have a child. I remember as a preteen and teenager and even into adulthood I would dream of my children's names.But on Dec22 two days before christmas I started cramping and went to the ER where the doctor told me that the baby had died.

Since then I have lost a lot of my faith in a higher power because well I know that this was proably my last chance at a family . I still believe in god but the hope and faith for me is just in a valley now.I have been dealing with this okay but for the past month I have been having trouble with my . and so I had to go the ob/gyn today.
Ironically , while sitting there in the room waiting for the exam I could hear in the other room a baby's heartbeat on a monitor and see all these women who were about 8 months pregant which is what I would have been this month . It just hurts and I don't know how to fix it.
That is why I feel raw and prickly
Some of my favorite bloggers are dealing with fertility issues now aka Bohogirl and others. Tonight as I visited Andrea's blog at Superhero Designs I saw that she is pregnant . I am so happy for her and her husband and I know that in time it will happen for Denise aka Bohogirl and others. I am so happy for all of you and I know your dreams will be fullfilled .
I just feel well empty and sort of abandoned and then I feel that I haven't any right to feel these emotions. Just confused right now.
That is why Michelle at la vie en rose is one of my favorite bloggers because she so openly expresses her feelings knowing that there are others who are on similar journeys.
On Susannah's blog she had a quote that so spoke to my heart today.

"Write hard and clear about what Hurts".Ernest Hemingway.

Thanks for letting me ramble and get my thoughts out so I can understand and deal with them.

1 comment:

Visual-Voice said...

Sweetie, people are out here listening and holding you in their hearts. It may not feel like it, but you are not alone. You are not alone.